This may be my all-time favorite...
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats caught the scent of blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
OK, follow me, he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him tongues and fangs lusting for blood.
Now, do you see that large oak tree over there? he asked.
YES! YES! YES! the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
Good! said the first bat, Because I fucking didn't!
THREE VAMPIRES
Three vampires went into a bar and sat down.
The barmaid came over to take their orders. And what would you, er, gentlemen like tonight?
The first vampire said, I'll have a mug of blood.
The second vampire said, I'll have a mug of blood.
The third vampire shook his head at his companions and said, I will have a glass of plasma.
The barmaid wrote down each order, went to the bar and called to the bartender, Two bloods and a blood light!
GETTING READY TO GO...
An African American husband and wife were going to a costume party in a couple of days...
The husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.When he comes home that night he goes to the bedroom where there laid out on the bed was a superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black superman! Take this back and get me something else I can wear.
The next day the wife, not too happy, takes it back and returns. The husband comes home from work once more and there laid out on the bed was a batman costume. He again yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party.
By this time, the wife is irate, so the next morning she goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items. One is 3 white buttons, the other is a white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for?
The wife yells back. You can take your clothes off, take the 3 white buttons, put them on the front of you, and go as a DOMINO!, and if you don't like that one, you can take the belt, put it on, and go as an OREO COOKIE!, and if you don't like that one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a FUDGE SICKLE!
A HALLOWEEN FANTASY
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance and see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.
She responds, Well, let's see what we can do about that! But there are two conditions... You must be single. You must be Catholic.
The cab driver is very excited and says, Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!
The nun says, OK, pull into the graveyard. There's no one there this time of night. He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy beyond his every dream. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying his eyes out.
My dear child, why are you crying?
Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. The nun says, That's okay, my son. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party.
LIFE AFTER DEATH
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died,the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their passing.
As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?
A ghostly voice answered her, Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you.
Martha tearfully asked, Oh John, what is it like where you are?
It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time.
Well what do you do all day? asked Martha.
Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm.
Martha was somewhat taken aback. Is that what heaven really is like?
Heaven? I'm not in Heaven Martha.
Well then where are you?
I've been reincarnated as a jack rabbit in Arizona.
WITCH WART
HOLY MAGIC
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
Quick, quick! shouts Sister Marilyn. What shall we do?
Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.
Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican, says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. Now what? shouts Sister Marilyn.
Show him your [not you are] cross, says Sister Helen.
Now you're talking, says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, Get the fuck off our car!
Urban legend or truth stranger than fiction?
Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year old white male, resident of Wimbledon, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't, he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.
Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. I guess I was just really into it, you know? he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
It was an unusual situation, that's for sure. said officer Taylor. I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin. Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson.
I just went up and said, Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?
He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, A pumpkin? DAMN...is it midnight already?
THE SKIMPIER THE COSTUME...
A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of boots.
Where is your costume? the husband asked.
This is it, replied his wife.
What the hell kind of costume is that??? asked the husband.
Why, I am going as Puss In Boots, explains the wife. Now hurry and get your costume on.
The husband went upstairs and was back in about 2 minutes. He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid over his penis.
What the hell kind of costume is that??? asked the wife.
I am a fire alarm, he replied.
A fire alarm? she repeated laughing.
Yes, he replied. In case of fire break the glass, pull twice and I come.
AN OLD RHYME
TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET!
GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT!
IF YOU DON'T! I MIGHT CRY!
MY MOM WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE EYE!
TRICK OR TREAT! SMELL MY FEET!
GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD TO EAT!
IF YOU DON'T! I MIGHT CRY!
MY MOM WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE EYE!
TRICK OR TREAT
There were these two children of color trying to decide what to get dressed as to go trick-or-treating for Halloween. Finally the oldest one, Robert,turned to his sister Francine and said, I know, we'll go as Hansel and Gretel.
Well, they dressed up as Hansel and Gretel on Halloween night and off they went to ring doorbells all over the neighborhood. Before long, they came to a house on the end of their block and Robert rang the doorbell. Trick or Treat!, Robert and Francine yelled in unison.
The old man at the door peered down at them and said. And who are you?
Why, we're Hansel and Gretel, Robert said.
The man shook his head. You can't be Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel were white. And then he slammed the door on their faces.
Well Robert and Francine went back to their house and Robert thought furiously. I know! he said. You can go as Little Bo Peep and I'll go as Little Boy Blue. So they changed quickly into their new costumes and headed back out the door.
A few minutes later, they found themselves at the same house as earlier. Trick or Treat!, Robert and Francine yelled again as the door opened.
Once again the man stared down at them and said, Who might you be.
Why we're Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue, Robert said.
The man shook his head and said. You can't be Little Bo Peep and Little Boy Blue. They were white. And he slammed the door on their faces again.
Robert and Francine walked back to the house, their candy bags still not full. But Robert got an idea and quickly slipped out of his costume. Then he helped Francine out of hers. When the knock came at the door, the old man grabbed his basket of candy and opened the door. Much to his surprise, there were two naked black children standing on his porch. Well, what do we have here, he asked. Two M&M's, Robert said. One with nuts and one without.
LET THE TRUTH BE KNOWN!
A skeptic goes in to see a gypsy fortune teller on Halloween.
You are the father of 2 children, the gypsy says.
AHA! That's what you think! I'm the father of three children!, says the skeptic.
No, says the gypsy somewhat calmly, That's what YOU think.
THE TAX MAN
The door bell, rings, and a man answers it. Here stands this plain but well dressed kid, saying Trick or Treat!
The man asks the kids what he's dressed up like for Halloween.
The kid says, I'm an IRS agent.
Then he takes 28% of the man's candy, leaves, and doesn't even say Thank You.
THE SOUND OF HALLOWEEN MUSIC
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree. Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.
After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??
I'm sorry, replies the hunchback, but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him.
Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.
Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up! Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master,
Master, Master!... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!
ROCKY, THE SEQUEL
One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my door dressed as Rocky in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more.
Aren't you the same Rocky who left my doorstep a few minutes ago? I asked.
Yes, he replied, but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times tonight too.
THE BUCCANEER
A little boy is dressed as a pirate captain for Halloween. He knocks on the door of a house and a lady answers.
She says, Well, well little boy, what are you supposed to be? He says, I am a pirate captain. She asks, Well--where are your buccaneers? He answers, Right here under my bucken hat.
A HALLOWEEN STROLL
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
Holy Shit Mister! one of them said after catching his breath,
You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?
Those fools! the old man grumbled. They misspelled my name!
SATAN COMES VISITIN'
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the towns people were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving -- seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, Yep, sure do.
Satan asked, Aren't you afraid of me?
Nope, sure ain't, said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, Why aren't you afraid of me?
The man calmly replied, Been married to your sister for over 48 years.
IT'S ALL IN THE NAME
Ali G went to his mate's fancy dress costume party wearing nothing but a girl on his back.
So what are you supposed to be? the host asked indignantly.
I iz a snail, Ali replied.
The exasperated host asked, How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?
Ali replied. Diz Iz Michelle.
BEETHOVEN
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads:
Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
Oh, it's nothing... says the caretaker.
He's just decomposing!
TWICK OR TWEAT
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.
She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman asks, What are you supposed to say sweetheart?
The little girl looks up at the woman and says Twick or Tweat!
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, Go ahead honey say it just one more time.
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, Twick or Tweat!
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!
COFFIN CURE
A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears BUMP... BUMP... BUMP behind him.
Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything.... but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.
The coffin stops!
A GHOST STORY
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, What the heck is going on here?
The drunk, still staring down replied: I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.
HALLOWEEN AT THE OFFICE
It's Halloween and a woman has nothing to wear to the office party. She puts a sheet over her and sticks horns on it and goes to work. A co-worker asks her what she is dressed as. She replies, Bull Sheet.
BATS IN THE ATTIC
Three pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, Since the beginning of summer I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything. Noise. Spray. Cats. Nothing seem to keep scare away.
Another said, Yes, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry. I've even had the place fumigated and they won't go away.
The third said, I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't see one back since!
CEMETERY STORY
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me, said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.
He just knew what it was. Oh my! he shuddered, It's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. Come here quick! said the boy. You won't believe what I just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls.
The man said. Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk? When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.
The old man whispered, Boy, you, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see the devil himself. Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done.
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN WITCHES?
This guy is about to jump off a bridge, when all of a sudden, behind him he hears Don't jump! Don't jump! He looks around and there is an ugly-ugly old broad.
She says, Don't jump! I am a witch and I can grant you any three wishes you want.
He starts to think about money and cars, and says, What's the catch?
You have to sleep with me first, says the old broad.
He looks at the ugly hag but finally agrees. They go to her place and WHAM BAM THANK YOU MA'AM!
He then says, For my first wish...
She interrupts him and asks, How old are you?
He answers, Forty-two.
And she asks, And you still believe in witches?
WANNA SEE MY BOOBEES?
HALLOWEEN DELIVERY
The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat. I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, I'm delivering him to my doctor's office.
The other driver leaned out of his window. I hate to tell you, lady, he said, but I think it's too late!
REMOVE THE CURSE...
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a Curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife.
GHOST STORY
This just outside a little town in the low country of South Carolina, and while it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's allegedly true.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night in the middle of a thunder storm.. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped. Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the guy was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and begging for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and in the marsh and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared through the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.
Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town. Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the truth and not just some drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to the other: Look Bubba, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain.
WHAT A WITCH!
Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.
The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.
These two are so old and so drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference. The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, You know, I think my girl was dead.
Dead? says his friend. Why would you say that?
Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.
His friend says, Well, I think mine was a witch.
A Witch! Why the hell would you say that?
Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite -- then, she farted and flew out the window.
HARD LESSON
An officer patrolling a quiet beat in his squad car came upon a former lieutenant of the police force covering a lonely street on foot.
He stopped the car and asked, Why, Lieutenant ummm... errr... Officer, this wouldn't be your new beat, would it?
That it is, the X-Lieutenant replied grimly, Ever since I arrested the Judge on his way to a masquerade ball Hallowe'en night.
You mean you pinched His Honor?
His Honor's convict costume looked real enough? groaned the X-Lieutenant.
Well, mused the officer, 'Tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere.
That there is, replied the X-Lieutenant... 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover.
OLD FART HALLOWE'EN
An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out. The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, You can't go out like that!
She said, I can go anyway I like and so can you.
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman asks: You're going out like that?
He replies, Yes!, if you can go as a SOUR-PUSS...
...I can go as a DICK-TATOR.
Here's something for ya dearie...
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